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2015上海黃浦區中考一模作文范文
Ø 昂立中考名師李少白老師范文
I’m not a coward girl any more
How time flies. After three years gains with pains in junior high school, now I’m so proud that I’m not a coward girl any more.①
Still I remember the first PE lesson when I stood alone in the playground, not daring to② come towards anybody to play with them. I was so coward! That night, Mum encouraged me to greet everyone the next day. Hard as it was to me, ③I tried and got warm responses surprisingly! From then on, I always remind myself not to think negatively before I try. ④Like magic, my courage has brought me good friends, third prize on Campus Speech Contest and even a chance to give a speech in Shanghai Children’s Art
Center!
With the courage, I’m confident to greet the challenge ahead in life.⑤ (117)
Ø 內容分析
本篇開放話題，寫一下自己成長進步的故事。類似話題同學們應該非常熟悉，如2005年中考作文"Growing pains and gains”，2010年中考作文"I am proud of myself’’, 以及我們中考沖刺班上寫過的題目 “I’d like to say goodbye to…. ”。例子應該不難想，如何用清晰簡練的語言將成長經歷記敘清楚并得出有意義的結論才是重點。所以語言組織上需多斟酌。
Ø 精彩亮點分析
l 亮點一： 首段感嘆句+表語從句，精干開場點題。
l 亮點二：現在分詞not daring(不敢)，一句話說清楚當年是如何coward(膽小)的。
l 亮點三：Hard as it was to me as引導讓步狀語從句倒裝句，強調勇敢邁出第一步對于我之難!
l 亮點四：善用before狀語從句,表達能更地道。
l 亮點五：從coward到confident,一句話點明對我的積極影響，升華主題。
l 亮點六：文中一些小詞如come towards, like magic, ahead等的準確添加讓傳情達意更進準。